I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
