I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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