i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
