Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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