I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
