got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
