Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
