i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
