Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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