Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
