I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
