I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
