Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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