The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
She's like a pop up book from hell.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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