My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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