After last night, I could never be a politician.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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