The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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