Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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