Will you blow on my dice?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
