We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
