Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
