We won't sleep together?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
