don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
