I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
