So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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