Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
