Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
You can't special order awesome
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
