my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
