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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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