I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
