this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I have feelings that need drinking.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
