Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
