It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
