i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
