Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
