he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
