Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
