my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
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