How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
