how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
