That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
