oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
