My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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