I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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