I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
