I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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