I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You ruined the universe
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
