Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
