I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
