I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
