We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
