He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
