12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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